the results are in!

•February 23, 2015 • 1 Comment

Thank you all so much for your feedback on the last post. Most everyone is actually on the same page, when does that ever happen? So weekly it is! I now have to find some way of reminding myself to do it, I may end up with post it notes all over my house again. They actually work fairly well. Except last time my children collected them all from the entire house like a scavenger hunt and created a mural on their wall with them. Yeah…so maybe I’ll find another system.

Tomorrow is our last home study visit! Hopefully, assuming the fire extinguisher passes inspection. Who would have thought a silly fire extinguisher could cause so much stress, not I said the fly! I’m plugging away on our family profile book. I’ve managed to gather way more pictures than could ever fit and yet somehow still don’t have exactly what I want or need when I sit down to put the actual pages together. I’m giving myself the week to take pictures of our daily lives, so those we see on a regular basis, the paparazzi is coming to town! Also next Monday looks like the perfect beach day, so I promised myself we’d go if I got the book done by then.

I’ll leave you with this little gem I found digging through photos. It was our 3rd anniversary, I was 6 months pregnant with Grant. Which is impossible, because look at the babies!

we were so little, also I want my hair short again

we were so little, also I want my hair short again

a new year a new leaf

•February 16, 2015 • 3 Comments

So I came on here to write about how the irony of rocking out to Beastie Boys’ Intergalactic (wow that was a crazy video I missed with no MTV as a kid) down the highway in my mini van full of children made me grin like an idiot. To show our pictures of the kids seeing snow for the first time, actually taken with the real camera! To just generally gush the gratitude I feel at the amazing gift of a virtually free vacation in a time when it would not have happened otherwise.

Then I opened chrome and WordPress was not one of the 6 most recently viewed webpages….again. When I was doing my yearly goals this January (December is too crazy, I give myself all of January) I put the blog on there, again. Cause really if I’m going to do something, I want to actually do it, not just feel guilty about not doing it. However, I know from experience that something vague like “the blog” is never going to inspire anything more than guilt over inaction, I need something specific and measurable.

HELP ME PLEASE! Those of you that read this or any blog, how often do you like them to update? Is once a week often enough? Everyday good or too much? Anything in particular you are looking for? More writing? Less writing, more photos? Recipes? Acrobatics? Magical robots that cook and clean and do laundry? OK I already know the answer to the last one is YES! I feel like I’ve been out of this writing world for so long I don’t know what’s what anymore. So help me set my 2015 blog goal, it’s only mid February and hey there’s always time for a fresh start right? :)

But I’ll still leave you with some photos so I can procrastinate on our adoption photo book just a little longer! Why of why do I do these things to myself, le sigh.

He'd actually seen snow before, his one up on the big kids. But this is the first he'll remember :)

He’d actually seen snow before, his one up on the big kids. But this is the first he’ll remember :)


You can barely even see the snow in this pic, but trust me, she could


He was so pumped


Also my 6 year did this. She wasn’t even big enough to go up on her own, but she owned it. I was shocked (shouldn’t have really, this is so her) and asked the guy if this was normal, he said he’d never seen a kid her size run them all so easily. I <3 her.

home studies and head games

•January 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So yeah this adoption thing is rolling. Things are speeding up, I feel like I’ve added another part-time job lately. I have only read 1 fiction book this year, and for me, that’s huge. I had to cut myself off so I could get work done. We had our first home study visit this week, yay! It was the next day that I caved and allowed myself one actual good book, finished it last night and was back to work this morning. Made calls all morning and virtually no progress on the adoption. I got a lot of other bills and things paid and ran my head into a hundred dead ends on the adoption front. But things are still drawing to a close, I can actually see the end of our part in this process, I can taste it. 5 days till our second home study visit and then second week in February is the final visit. Assuming I can our homework packet done and wrap up the last to-dos from the home study visit in time, which I will, we will be making our profile book next month. That’s the last step for us. Once that’s done, we’re ‘in waiting’ and we sit around and wait for the call.

And try to find the rest of the money. The biggest chunk is due with the baby. We can’t officially apply for most grants until the home-study is complete, but I’ve started a few applications anyway. They are long, and crazy, and after all we’ve already done, I will eat them for breakfast. So there’s that outlet and then there’s magic and miracles. Not to say those two things are the same, just saying I’d be happy for either of them to come through. Then there’s fundraising, I hear people say things like fund me and kickstarter and normally I’d be all like yes another thing to learn and research about! (yes I know I’m a nerd) But right now I’m more like please someone just tell me which one is supposed to be good for this thing. Anybody? What will work for an adoption fundraiser? Just tell me. Please, please, pretty please.

So now that we are this close, I feel like I’m about to go into labor. I need to have everything ready! AND like I haven’t even gotten pregnant yet all at the same time. One minute I’m researching ways and equipment to re-lactate and the next I’m realizing I still haven’t shown Neil the list of potential names. Part of me wants to have everything prepared and the other part of me wonders how I’m going to handle it if I have EVERYTHING ready and the call still doesn’t come for months and months and months and months. I mean it is a real possibility, but so are the people we met at our training who didn’t even finish their profile book before they were matched or only waiting a few weeks or few months after being put into waiting. It also feels weird getting everything ready for a baby that could be a year or more away still, it makes me feel fake somehow. Like this is all a game of pretend and I’m not really an expecting mom because I’m not pregnant and I don’t know when. I really never realized what a head game this was all going to be.

and the road goes on

•December 6, 2014 • 1 Comment

I feel like my head is about to explode.

We’ve spent the last two days immersed in the adoption world, we’ve talked to families that have adopted, mothers that have placed their children, case workers, other couples in the process, even a few children who were adopted. My tears were cried for things I’ve long felt for and for things I never even knew I could feel for. I somehow feel so full and so empty, all at the same time.

It was incredibly encouraging and heart wrenching to hear all the stories of the birth moms and the adoptive families. So much joy and so much sadness, right next to each other. It makes sense now, but I really never fully placed myself into the position of the birth mother. Of the options most have, placing their child in a loving stable home is an enormous sacrifice, for the mother. Choosing to have the child. To go through 9 months of aches, pains, nausea and social stigma in many cases. Then relinquishing your child to another home because you know you cannot provide for it. I cannot even imagine. I’m almost ashamed of how I viewed them before, in my ignorance of their heart. Then to hear the families who received these babies and the blessings they have been and the joy they have brought. To see them running around, smiling and getting into mischief, it was amazing. Hearing the highs and lows and everything in between really brought the whole thing home, it’s real. It’s finally happening, some days I still can hardly believe it. I also know that a lot surrounding adoption is controversial, especially where birth mothers are concerned. Again I really don’t want a debate. Honestly, right now I’d probably just cry and shut off the computer for good. I’m so emotionally spent right now I don’t think I could handle it.Too much heavy…

So….time to lighten it up..with a little paperwork! Such a light and fun topic! No one here is daunted and defeated by just a few pieces of paper, with a few hundred words and some blank lines. There’s nothing to be scared of! How do I explain the feelings that come over me when I think of it? Joy! Elation! So many fun phone calls and appointments to set up! I’m simply ecstatic! Dancing with joy! And guess what? Wait for it…


More papers with words and blank lines we didn’t even have yet! Also a CPR class!  Also articles and 4 books to read (well that may actually be unsarcastically filled with joy and elation (also did you know unsarcastically is not an actually word?(I also feel I should continue this parenthesis within a parenthesis trend with an additional parenthesis!)), especially by comparison!). Wow that was fun to read! And so grammatically correct I’m sure a few of you are in fits of joy!

But get this. Not only is there more fun papers, but they take WEEKS to process after we finish with them. Then we have WEEKS of interviews after that, and at least a MONTH of processing when those are done. Then a photo book to make, which should be fun and easily accomplished, especially since I have no experience even making a baby book for our children! It will be great! I’m sure I’ll finish in no time flat. It also gets to be reviewed and edited (few more weeks) and resubmitted and then and only then our fun will be over and we will be placed in waiting. And if we wait to long, we get to do a lot of it ALL OVER AGAIN!

Completely sincerely, the further down this road I get, the longer the road becomes.

hurry up and wait

•October 14, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Someone told us at the very beginning (like still trying to even find an agency beginning) that the adoption process was a lot of hurry up and wait. At the time I laughed, I could see it, but I really didn’t know. Now, only in the later beginning stages, I am beginning to understand what they mean. Today we were officially welcomed into the 4th of 7 steps that proceed getting that little baby in my arms…almost 3 weeks after we finished the 3rd step. I know 3 weeks doesn’t really seem like that long, but when you’ve been stressing over completing a giant packet of information asking for your life history as quickly as you can…well waiting almost 3 weeks to see if you’ve even been approved to move to the next step is FOREVER.

But we are now officialy on to the next set of…wait for it…paperwork! The joy! Seriously though, I do feel joy over the 30+ documents waiting in our adoption portal. I am aware this makes me seem crazy. Crazy I am, and I’m ok with that.

Now the money for this stage had already been provided when we refinanced our condo. We thought we were paying for the insurance and had set aside the money and discovered a month later it had been paid by the lender at closing, yay! We were super excited. It was almost exactly the amount we needed, and we’ve been looking for how God was going to provide. First provision, check.

So there sits the money while we hurry up and wait, and then last week happens. Our management company for said condo decided they were going to repair something on the condo that was the responsibility of the HOA, and then billed us for it. It was also almost the exact amount we had waiting in that account. I’ve always felt I had a bit of an optimistic bent to my realism, but when I saw that invoice the first thing I said was “well there goes the adoption money, we’re never getting that back.” Slap my mouth, I figured we figure it out, but I was not hopeful.

Then this morning we are accepted into the next stage, and the money is due. I woke up from my nap this afternoon to a text from Bycemaster asking what I thought of the emails from our management company. Honestly, I groaned and considered putting it off, I was still a bit groggy and didn’t want to fight the defeated feeling the whole situation was already giving me. I’m so glad I just did it. Our money is being refunded! The management company and the HOA both PLEASANTLY (big deal for someone who tenses over the littlest bit of dissension) worked together to rectify the situation. It was such an absolutely unbelievable resolution for me that I started crying. I really didn’t even consider that it would happen, and it’s done, like that.

And with that, we move on to the next stage :)

music of the gods

•September 24, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Oh blessed music. Neil’s new phone came Friday. This morning I finally took the time to download an album and Nike+ and took it on a run. I swear I was actually smiling (while running!) for the first mile or more. It was amazing! The first few miles were so fast (for me!) I ended the last mile and a half with a serious stitch, but it was totally worth it. In a somewhat unrelated note, I’m finding there are actually some benefits to morning runs. I have an extra evening free when I do a morning run, there are less creepers out in the morning, this time of year it’s actually cooler in the morning and for some stupid reason an extra hour of sleep before midnight seems to count more than the extra hour in the morning. Of course getting up in the dark, being so tired earlier in the day, not stretching as well (I’m already up too early!), and being slower than evenings still sucks. Worst of all is the insane mental hurdle to getting out in the morning, but that does lend itself to a superwoman pay off at the end.

I’m elatedly happy and beginning to feel my early morning already, so it’s time to sign off! Till next time my fellow running crazies and aspiring crazies.

Day 34 of the experiement

•September 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am still smart phoneless, though the dumb phone is still in operation. In fact I’ve even figured out how to add and delete contacts! I am high tech ya know. While it does not seem as though it’s always been this way, it has not been near as hard as imagined. I’m actually still enjoying being untethered, I still feel free and at peace and more engaged in whatever it is I/we are doing.

I do, however, miss my camera. That has been a reoccurring theme, and even though I feel more present in the memories than I used to, there are sometimes I really wish I could have caught the memory. The big camera is just not as easy for me to cart around, it feels awkward, though I suppose that could be mostly in my head.

The children are still annoyed I steal “their” iPad to read my books on. I am still annoyed they run the battery down to the ground every time they use it and then leave it right next to the charger, NOT PLUGGED IN! So I guess we’re even.

Unrelated note, the paperwork for the adoption looked easy, until I actually LOOKED at it. Talk about digging up every bit of information about us, I don’t even know where to find some of this stuff. Trying not to daunted, it’s partially working.


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