At two months of age Jacob doesn’t do much yet. He’s recently started smiling, that’s pretty cool. It brings his list of skills up to five: smile, eat, sleep, burp and poop. Today he won the preliminary qualifying event for the poop Olympics.

And I gotta ask, is it a special thing with boys or something? I remember Grant destroying his clothes as a baby, and with Jena…nothing. I’m sure she had to have had at least one incident…at some point…surely…but it obviously wasn’t memorable enough to stick in my brain.

Back to the story. We got to work a few minutes early today and I was nursing Jacob in the car before going in to our special event at work. Neil asked if I wanted him to stay, but I graciously said he could go ahead without me. BUT WAIT! Please take the diaper bag with you (this is important, don’t forget it).

So Jacob’s just laying there happily nursing away and all of a sudden he stops. I look down and his little face is beat red, the angry V on his forehead is screaming of what’s to come. He lets one loose…and then continues nursing. A few minutes later he stops again, I think he’s done and go to take him off and he lets another one loose. I’m like geez kid you got any more in there? Never taunt a two month old. Momentarily relieved he continues to nurse some more. The kid apparently needed to clear a bit more room out for all that milk because he proceeds to fill his diaper THREE MORE TIMES!

At this point, I’m getting really nervous. Done or not I take him off. I sit him up to check for damages and OH MY! There’s my little boy grinning away as I gawk at his ENTIRE back full of poop. We’re talking all the way up, it was up to the first snap at his neck line! Mercifully I caught him before it leaked onto my clothes, his were a lost cause. From the look on his face I could have sworn he was proud of himself.

Well a car diaper change isn’t the funnest (I know that’s not a word, but it sounds better) thing in the world, and it’s a bit cold and a little rainy out. But it’s early in the story, I’m still game. I reach back for the diaper bag…

Has that OH NO moment hit you yet? No? I’ll wait a minute for you to catch up. NEVER separate a baby from a diaper bag, you’d think by my third kid I’d have this down by now, I was clearly not awake yet. Now what am I going to do? I call Neil, maybe he can just bring it out. Now what kind of story would that make? He’s already in the program with his phone on silent. We need a plan B.

Meanwhile, I realize the poop is oozing through the ENTIRE STACK of napkins I’d laid him on and I now have a lovely poop spot on my jeans. Now our car usually has one of everything in it. However, three days ago Grant and Neil completely cleaned it out. Oh the irony. The only thing in the car was an extra diaper bag for the big kids. So I grab one of Jena’s diapers. I look at the diaper, I look at him and I think this could work. Looking back on this now I’m not even sure how I managed without getting poop all over everything, but I did. I got Jena’s diaper on OVER his diaper and poopy clothes and then wrapped his blanket around him so no one would look at me like I’m crazy. I run in, get Neil, explain the situation and take off with the diaper bag.

This should be the end of the story, but it gets better. So I’ve got Jacob in the bathroom and I’m getting him cleaned up. When I’ve finally got him in a clean diaper I realize I used the spare suit this weekend…and I didn’t replace it. So now I’ve got a bag fully of poopy clothes and a half naked baby…at work.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, and honestly, at this point, I’m already done with the whole thing. I’m thinking I’ve got vacation days, I’m outa here, this is ridiculous. I’ve got poop on my clothes, I’ve got a naked baby, it’s cold and raining out and I’m done.

But after lamenting the situation to Neil we decide I’m going to go try to run up the street and buy him an outfit. Surely one of the stores around there had SOMETHING. So I give Neil our baby who’s secretly naked under his blanket and get in the car. As I’m driving out of the parking lot I realize I hadn’t checked the trunk. Neil usually doesn’t clean the trunk when he cleans out the car and I’ve never been happy about that fact before today. I pulled off the side of the road and dug through the trunk. Sure enough there was a goodwill bag of Grant’s old clothes and I found something that could work.

Now remember Jacob is only two months old, he’s wearing size 0-3 months. He is a decent sized boy and I could probably put him in some of the smaller 3-6 without out too much of an issue. But what I found was two 2T shirts and a pair of footed Easter pajamas in 6-9 months. I decided the pj’s were workable and got back in the car and turned around.

I got back to work and found the program had started and the doors were locked. I could see people in there so knocked on the door, but no one heard me. I knocked again still no luck. Finally one of Neil’s friends walked out of the program and right by the door I was standing in front of. I fake screamed HELP and he proceeded to pretend he didn’t understand while opening the door. If I hadn’t been so grateful to be in out of the drizzle I would have smacked him for that. I snuck in the back, found Neil and Jacob and during the next video black out we put the pj’s on him. You couldn’t see his hands and his feet were about where the knees were supposed to go, but they stayed on. He rode around in the sling most of the day and if anybody realized he was swimming in his clothes, they didn’t say anything.

We now have a diaper bag with 15 sets of spare clothes and it is attached to Jacob’s hip. We’ve now got this covered, because as long as you’re prepared, there isn’t a next time.