and there you have it…


January 2011

sixteen months…tomorrow

Dear Sixteen Months,

Hi! How are you? What? No! I come in peace! Please. Stop. The. Screaming. I’m not going to hurt you! Come back! I’d like to make a deal! I just want my little boy back. You know the one? He lived here just a few weeks ago? Do you remember him? Yes?! You do!? Great!

Well I’d like him back. Can we trade? I’ll throw in yogurt and your sister’s microphone.

I liked the little garbage disposal that smiled at everything and listened without a fuss when I said no. The one that didn’t scream a scream to wake the dead every time I walked out of the room or took my phone from or put in the car or took out of the car or looked at funny. The one that wasn’t quite so adept at things like climbing onto chairs, and then tables, and then throwing himself off.

I’m not ready for you, Mr. Sixteen months. You think your big stuff, but you have no words only screaming frustration when I can’t accurately ascertain the inner workings of your toddler mind. You climb, you scream, you defy me. What? He was my little angel, he did no wrong. Who are you!?

Just to get things straight, I love you too. I’m just anxious to get away from you at times these days, did I mention the screaming? I think I may have.

I’m ready to negotiate a release of your captive. Call me. You know on that iPhone of mine you so love to, uh, rearrange for me.

Slightly stressed and ready to make a deal,


grant takes a hair cut

Grant: Meow meow meow. Rrrrrooooaaaammm rrrrooommm.
Eeeehhhh wooo wooo

Nana: Grant can we try a little quiet?

Grant: uh uh

Me: why don’t u sing us a song instead?

Grant: I will do dat after I take a haircut. Eeehhhh. *screeeeaaaach*

Aaahhhh, don’t put the sharp part on me!

Nana: I just have to put it next to your skin, I’m not going to put it in your skin.


Wwwrrrouumpp *shivers and pulls away*

Me: be brave, she’s got to get your neck.

Grant: *whimpering like a caged puppy*

Nana: there all done with the edges, now just the middle!

Grant: yay! I like this part! *brief smile then whimpering resumes*

Aaahhh, that tickles. THAT TICKLES! (this boy must hate tickling)

Ok, I’m all done now. Yes I’m done for now.

Hey you made that part by my eye high now.

Nana: over here? This side?

Grant: yeah, right there. It looks really nice now.

Nana: thank you, yes it does.

Grant: ok can I be done now?

Nana: well we still need to even it up.

*Clip, clip, whimper, whimper*

Grant: please can I be done now? Please? Now?

(in a whimpery voice) eehhh my body is getting tickly.

Nana: here let’s fix that *breaks out the powder and brush and brushes him off*

Grant: yay! Alright! Can I be done now?

The part over here is really high, so I might be all done.

Hey, hey you ogot some over here. OVER HERE!

Nana: let’s see how it’s looking. You want the bangs shorter momma?

Me: yep, they grow fast.

Grant: yep, they grow about five inches a day.

Nana: wow that’s a lot.

Grant: yep, it is. Sometimes even up to 90 inches. Can I be done now?

(we actually have quiet for a minute and I look up from my blogging to find him playing with his snot, I pretended not to see, he was quiet, don’t judge me)

Nana: let’s stand you up so I can get your cow lick in the back.

Grant: now I’m bigger da you nana. I’m like 36 inches or something like dat.

Nana: ok momma look at the back.

Grant: *turning to face me with a big grin* and look at this part too momma!

my flip flops make me really good.

*dinosaur sounds* aaahhh I need a tissue!

Me: should we spike you up?

Grant: no that would make me something else. I want to be me.

Nana: ok your done.

Grant: yay! Now I want a pistol!

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