I’ve been trying to write this post for almost two weeks now. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I quit my day job.
I’m going to be working at home watching a 6 month old baby girl. It is an answer to prayer in more ways than one – we were losing our childcare and in want (I have a hard time attaching the word need to money here) of more financial breathing room, check check both taken care of – but I am dreading the transition. Not the end point, I think I’m actually going to enjoy that. In fact, I have a whole list of reasons why I’m going to like it. But the leaving everything I’ve known partially terrifies me some days, today being one of them. I’m losing my escape, my support structure, the few remaining friends I still have that haven’t moved across the country or the world (and no I’m not being dramatic, they really did), my adult time. There are going to be rough points in this transition.
On days that aren’t today I would have told you I’m looking forward to the flexibility (even though I’m kinda losing some at the same time). I’m looking forward to naps, going out in the evenings without guilt (is that possible?), being outside more, taking walks, doing crafts with the kids, organizing our home, blogging more, being semi-caught up with house work (at which point all SAHM laugh, let me have my delusion for a little while please) and watching these little guys grow up. It will be good, this I know.
It just feels really strange. I feel like I was raised to work, I was not taught ‘mommy’ things, I had no plans to marry and have babies. I had and still have dreams of careers, yes plural. This past year has definitely been the death of that dream, for a variety of reasons, and it has been a hard one to let go of. It has been harder I think because I don’t have a clear new one yet, I don’t know this dream. I have a vague idea it will be good, but I’ve never owned it and don’t really know what it feels like, except that it doesn’t really feel like me…yet. Can I get a degree in parenting? I feel under-qualified.
So tomorrow or next week I’ll be excited again and counting down the days till my last day at work (four more working days by the way), but tonight I feel like I’m still trying to find my way.
So all my SAHM and SAHD too. How do you do it? How does this work? Teach me oh wise ones.